Vimes's Coping Method
by Gothgirlreid
Summary: So, what did Vetinari find out?
1. The Meeting

**Thanks again so much to Sweetest-Sammy or beta-ing. You're the best!!! :D**

**Disclaimers: I don't own Dicsworld or any of its characters, they all belong to the great Terry Pratchett. However, I do own most of the books :P  
Right, sorry if this gets pushed to the top of the page, I just figure out how to fix the formatting :D**

Vetinari roosted behind his desk and stared over his steepled fingers at His Grace, The Duke of Ankh Sir Samuel Vimes, Commander of the City Watch.

His appeared to be slightly disheveled, more so than usual. His uniform was in tatters where usually there was only one or two tears unmended. The  
breastplate was discarded, torn into so many pounds of useless metal where usually a few dents marred its admittedly usually dull surface. His lip was  
bleeding, disfiguring his worrying smile.

"Would you care to repeat that, Commander?" Vetinari asked, his eyebrows rising in uncommon surprise. "You claim that Sergeant Detritus, who is, if I  
may clarify, a rather large troll currently in your employ. You claim that he would like, and I quote, 'compension' What exactly do you mean Commander?"

Vimes smile remained in place.

"Compension, sir, is money provided by the employer for physical and\or emotional injury." Vetinari raised an eyebrow.

"This was caused to him when the watch house collapsed on him sir." Vimes continued, running his hand through his hair and wincing as a splinter caught  
in the skin of his index finger.

Vetinari smiled blandly and Vimes tried to suppress a wince, this was about to get ugly.

"First, I believe what Sergeant Detritus may be referring to is compensation which is an Agatean concept similar to their 'insurance'" Vetinari began.  
"Second, compensation is not required in this situation because the watch house's collapse was facillitated by the good Sergeant tripping over and  
demolishing one of the walls."

The silence in the room was heavy for a moment as Vimes stared at Vetinari before spinning on his heel and striding from the Oval Office. Vetinari cocked  
his head to the side and moments later was rewarded with a heavy thud. His lips curved into a small smile and he stood, moving to the wall where he  
examined the dent in the wall.

He moved back to his desk and waited patiently for Drunkott. The chief clerk moved around the room, tidying up and fetching the relevant folders.

"Why do you suppose he does it Drumknott."

"Does what sir."

"Punches the wall."

"Couldn't say." Vetinari sighed. It was his uninventive and uninquiring ways that made Drumknott such a perfect servant and yet sometimes it stifled  
conversation.

"I suppose it's his way of dealing with me." The Partician mused to himself. "He punches the wall to avoid punching me." Drumknott didn't reply. "Oh and  
Drumknott, I think we had better send for the plasterers. Again"


	2. Vetinari's Experiment

**Alright, my computer is FINALLY fixed (sort of) so i can upload this chapter. This was originaly meant to be a one-shot, but is now a two-shot :P  
Thanks loads to Sweetest-Sammy for beta-ing :D**

**_Disclaimers: Same as the first chapter_  
**

***

Commander Vimes stared in amazement. This wasn't helping his mood.

Iconographs of Lord Havelock Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, covered every available surface in the waiting room. He sat and waited for Drumknott  
to let him into the Oblong Office. He tried to concentrate on the ticking of the clock, but the rhythm had been calibrated to throw even the best prepared  
off balance.

_Tick...tock...ticktock.....tick......ticktocktick...tock._

That was putting him on edge. That and the fact that there were hundreds of eyes focused on him and all of them belonged to Vetinari.

***

"Very good, this should annoy Vimes no end" Vetinari surveyed the 'decorators' work. This consisted of viewing thousands of himself, all staring blankly. It was rather disconcerting.

"Send him in Dumknott." The clerk glanced up from where he was artifully rearranging the folders on his masters desk.

"Yes, my Lord."

***

"His Lordship will see you now your grace."

Vimes stood, muttering under his breath. He glanced back uneasily as he left the room papered with images of Vetinari, sure they were listening…

***

Vimes stared. Vetinari continued to stare back through a thousand eyes.

"Well, Commander? I believe you had a report for me." Vetinari invited, his face giving away nothing as he watched Vimes closely.

"Well...er..n-not much, sir. A couple of unliscenced theives, but that's about it..." Vimes was distinctly uncomfortable with the situation. Normally,  
in an interview with Vetinari he focused his gaze on a point above and a little to the left of Vetinari's head. However, that wasn't working at the moment,  
this was because Vetinari was there as well. He could feel the anger welling up inside. He really needed to punch something.

"Also Commander," continued Vetinari, apparently unaware of the rapidly rising line of red behind Vimes' eyes. "I would again like to question the  
lack of a vampire in the watch."

Vimes closed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts. He didn't need this now, he'd been out all night dealing with the whole Koom Valley mess, if he  
could just get through this he could go home and take his anger out on a few dozen cigars…

He opened his eyes again and discovered to his dismay that he was staring at Vetinari no matter where he looked.

At the centre of it all Vetinari studied the expression on Vimes' face for a moment before taking pity on him.

"Thank you, Commander. Excellent work, as ever. Don't let me detain you." He watched as Vimes turned, squeezing his eyes tight shut,  
and nearly ran from the room.

Vetinari waited, his eyes fixed on the door, until a loud thud echoed from outside the office. Smiling a little he turned back to his work before being  
interrupted by another _**THUD**_. And again, _**THUD**_._**  
THUD...THUD...THUD...THUD..THUD..THUD..THUD..**_

_**THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD**_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then...silence.

The Patrician sat in quiet for a moment, watching the door.

***

Once Vimes had been ushered off to hospital to have his hand dealt with Vetinari quietly stood and moved into the waiting room.

One of the pictures had been completely destroyed, along with the plaster of the wall behind it. There was also a rather deep hole where the wall should  
have been.

Vetinari stared at it for a moment before turning and quietly going back into his office. The next day, when Commander Vimes reported for his appointment,  
the iconographs were gone.

***

_**Okay, please review and tell me what you think :D**_


	3. The Result

**Okay, I know I said that this was going to be a one-shot, but I couldn't resist adding a few more chapters, but this is seriously the last time.**

**This chapter is un-beta'd, so any mistakes are my own, and I apologise in advance. I may update this chapter later and change a few things I'm not too  
happy with, but the plot will be the same. Enjoy!**

**Disc-laimer: All the characters and settings beong to Terry Pratchett, I'm just playing with them :)  
**

Commander Vimes stopped at the bottom of the stairs, wondering if he would be able to get through this meeting. Wondering what the Patrician had in store  
for him _today_. _Oh well,_ he thought, as he began to ascend the staircase, _only one way to find out._

He walked slowly, as if he was trying to put off going into that room. He had reached the door before he even knew it. Cautiously, he opened it- correction,_  
tried_ to open it; his hand was hurting too much. He switched hands, took a deep breath and turned the handle, walked into the room and looked around to see...

It was back to normal. The walls were bare, other than the usual paintings and notices, the hole he had made yesterday was gone, and Drumknott was sitting  
behind his desk. Vimes looked around, trying to see if Vetinari had done something else to the room, something he hadn't noticed the first time, but there was  
nothing.

"Ah, Commander. His Lordship will see you in a moment. Please, take a seat" said Drumknott, eyeing the man warily. Vimes stood stock still for a moment, then  
nodded and turned towards his normal chair.

Just before he sat down, his brain seemed to kick in again. _Check the chair!_ it screamed, and he quickly crouched down to see if there was anything underneath.

Nothing. He used his helmet to prod the cushion, in case something was hidden in there. Again, nothing.

Drumknott watched him for a moment, before putting the man out of his misery. "Is something wrong, Commander?" he asked, knowing full well what Vimes was  
looking for. He couldn't say he blamed him, really. He would have done the same after what happened yesterday.

Vimes spun around quickly, realising that the clerk was still in the room. "No, no, nothing's wrong. Just thought the chair seemed a bit wobbly yesterday, that's  
all." He smiled, or at least _attempted_ to smile, and sat down, gratefull that there was nothing hidden in the chair. He hoped to gods that the Oblong Office had  
been cleared of the iconographs aswell, otherwise he knew he wouldn't get through this meeting...

***

"Commander, His Lordship will see you now." Drumknott's voice seemed to say. Vimes came out of his daydream state and shook his head to clear  
up, he adjusted his hold on the helmet and entered the office. He walked up to Vetinari's desk, noticing that the man himself was hidden behind a newspaper, and  
saluted. Afew moments passed before Vetinari placed the newspaper on his desk and looked at Vimes.

"You may sit, Vimes" he told the other man, hiding his worry. The man looked quite pale, which was an extremely rare occurance. Normally, it was whoever the  
man had taken it into his head to annoy that looked this pale when confronting Vetinari about it.

Vimes sat gratefully, still looking around, trying to find something wrong with the room. He couldn't see anything out of the ordinary, so decided that he was being  
paranoid. Vetinari watched as the man visibly relaxed and the colour came back to his face.

"Well, Comander? Have you got anything to report?" Vetinari watched Vimes as he recited the list of major incidents that had happened since the last meeting.

There were surprisingly many, and Vetinari guessed that the new had spread quickly that Vimes was in the hospital. This would have drawn the criminals out  
of the woodwork so quickly that they had commited crimes before the man had even seen a doctor.

As the list ended, Vetinari noticed that Vimes was back to his normal self. "Very well, it appears that your men* have done a very good job in your absence. You  
should congratulate them. Don't let me detain you" he dismissed, and Vimes gladly exited the office.

***

That night, when he got home, Vimes told Sybil about the meeting, and she smirked. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what that smirk was for, because it usually  
meant that he had missed something. He didn't care. He was too tired to care. He kissed Sybil, said goodnight, and went to bed.

After she was sure that Sam was gone, Sybil pulled a slip of paper out of her pocket and read what was written on it agin, stifling her laughter. It read

_Dear Sybil,_

_I am afraid that your plan to relieve your husband of some of his frustration didn't exactly work as planned. In our meeting today he seemed more paranoid  
than usual when talking to me. I believe that it may not be a good idea to ever mention this incident again, or he may break down completely._

_Yours most sincerely,  
Havelock_

Sybil sighed, before throwing the letter on the fire, so that there was no chance of Sam ever finding it, and went to bed.

*And women, dwarfs, trolls, werewolves, zombies, Igors, gnomes and whatever else there was in the watch now.


End file.
